Princy & Aslan

     It feels so bad when she doesn't reply. I know she cares, I know she thinks of me. I know I matter so much to her. I know I'm so important to her but it's not the same and it will never be. There's a difference between the way I do it and the way she does it. For me, she's my everything and with every breath I think of her. Yes she also thinks of me most of the time but not with every breath, because I'm not her everything.      She loved him only with that much heart and soul. He means everything to her, not me and that's why it's not the same from both the ends. But I've accepted it. But acceptance doesn't alleviate the pain and I don't want it. This pain is beautiful. This pain makes me proud that I could at least love someone this way. If I loved her only because she loved me in the same manner, my love would be a bit selfish. But loving her when I know she won't love me the same, makes me proud. That's why this pain is beaut...

Dear Princy      I'm sorry for not talking to you today. I'm sorry for deleting all those messages I had sent. I want to tell you that even when I don't talk to you, I want to talk. It crushes my heart and a great burden weighs on my shoulders when I resist myself from talking to you. Why am I doing it, even I don't know.      I've been checking my WhatsApp every now and then as I have been anticipating a message from you. Every now and then I check my phone half expecting to see if you've called and it adds to my grief to know that there's been no call nor any messages.      Maybe I did this because I wanted to see if it makes you anxious when I've not messaged you or called you. And will this anxiety make you call me or message me. But so far you seem to be going somewhat smoothly without me. But for me it's entirely different. I find myself in a pit where I will be destroyed. Yes I'll somehow carry on but from inside I'll be dead. I feel n...

     I don't know where to start telling you, but I miss you a lot, and I feel so restless without talking to you. Last night, I wished I could talk to you, but it was so difficult. People say they miss their loved ones with every breath, but I am not exaggerating. I miss you almost every moment, every time, every second. I miss you.      I will leave for medical college today at 11:00 a.m. as there is a proposed meeting at 12:00 p.m. However, meetings are mostly delayed from the proposed time by 1 to 2 hours, so I think I will have sufficient time to talk with full privacy. I will keep you updated.      Do you know I never used to get up so many times in the middle of my sleep? I would straight away go to bed at 11:00 p.m. and wake up at 7 or 8 a.m. But now, you are so much on my mind that I always half expect to find your message in my inbox, so I keep checking it frequently.      How can I describe the way my heart is beatin...

Dear sweet child of universe I'm sorry I made a terrible mistake today and life will never be the same from now onwards for I have lost you forever because of my own folly. How would I carry on without you any more? But my presence was becoming troublesome for you and was adding to your daily problems. So with a heavy heart I choose to walk out of your life. Yes it hurts, it hurts more than I had imagined. And it crushes my soul so much and I cry loudly in pain and ask the universe to give me another chance where I would undo all the mistakes I've made. Alas! Nothing can be done and I have no way out but to lie here alone in the agony and see myself being ruined by your absence. Without you. Life had lost its meaning and I wish I was never born. The place you hold in my heart can never ever belong to anyone else.  Every now and then I look at the screen of my phone to see if you've called or messaged. I come to WhatsApp to see if you'll message me or not. I see you onli...

Princy: I watched Rockstar today. I wished we had watched it together. In the whole movie I was thinking of you. Me: I didn't know ki movies dubara bhi lagti hai. Princy: Yes, It's awesome. And I'm remembering you. It gives so much of your thoughts. Like how he loves singing and music. You must watch. Me: Thank you so much for taking out time in the midst of the movie. It means so much more than anything. ‘Fir se ud chala ud ke chora hai.’ You've changed me entirely to a different person. Moved me out of my comfort zone. Gave me new horizons to pursue. I just discovered one thing about what was bothering me. I thought I wanted to be with you but it's not that. Yes I want to be with you but not being able to be near to you isn't something that's bothering me. It's the lack of show of love that disturbs me. If you show your love and care, nothing can make me anxious or sad for long. I was feeling so happy the day before yesterday and see I'm happy even...

  Me: Thank you so much for being there for me. Please ever take that special space away. Princy: Yes. I miss you. You are the best person I have ever met. Call me any time. Me: No Princy. I want you to sleep. I want to talk but more than that I want you to sleep.  Please do this for me. Princy:  I will always care for you. Me: Your words of love and care can keep me going on even in my darkest hour. Best things I've ever heard. Princy:  I’m overwhelmed with emotions Me: I'm missing you extremely. I can hardly keep my tears. (When she said don’t love me this much) You deserve to be loved this much. I'll be praying a lot and will keep on improving and become a better version of me day by day.

 Princy:  Are you feeling ok now? Me: Yes. Better: How about you? I'm feeling pure and joyous. I'm feeling whole, purposeful, inspired. You helped me Princy: I'm glad. I could help someone in my life. And it's you, who is special to me. Are you coming 16 th? If u coming then only I'll register Me: Yes. But we will keep a bit of distance. Princy: Yes.

 Me: I need help. Do you think psychosis works? Avni ki friend hai. Avni was asking me casually that I should go for a hypnosis session. I need to discuss this Princy: Why, Yes it helps. Me: I may have to share my pain with her. I need help. Princy: What? What’s happening to you? Me: Emotionally overwhelmed. Not without your permission will I tell her. I know it's a phase. But it's difficult to bear. I urgently need help. Something to help me carry on during this phase. Princy: What will help you? Me: I am not sure. Maybe I need to share my burden. May be I need time to pass and till then hold on Princy: Talking to Avni will help? Me: I need someone to show my dark side. She's the only friend I'm comfortable with. This time I am feeling like I should have friends to share my burden. But I don't easily open up.  Me (After some thought) I don't think it will help. Leave it. I'll come out of it But I need your permission if in my weakest time I can share. I thi...

  Me: You are right. I am so weak. I am hopeless. (I thought my being weak will make her sad again and again and I did not want to make her sad. So I said this. - “Bye forever.”) Princy: itni jaldi mujhe paraya kar diya? Me: Maine tumhe paraya nahi kiya. But tumhe hurt nahi kr sakta. So keeping you away. (After some thought): Do you really want to bear with me? I'm losing myself. And I don't want you to be hurt. I may say those negative things again and again. I'm trying to be ok but I'm failing. I can't talk to you. I can't share my pain with you. I don't know what to do Princy: Why are you behaving weird? Why are you falling again? Me: I had told you that I could go crazy. I'm getting crazy. Princy: Why? Me: I don't know. Insecurity Princy: What? Me: Insecurity that I won't be able to talk to you. And this thought kills me. I'm not able to be in my senses. Princy: Why? Me: I'm breaking in many pieces. Princy: We will talk. Who said we w...

 He did not want to play piano nor did he want to read or write, for nothing was able to give him comfort anymore. The things which he had always loved the most became suddenly alien to him as if he had never been . With every beat of his weak, lonely heart; he found it difficult to carry on and many times he thought if he had come too far- ‘Will he ever be able to comfort her? Will he ever be able to heal her wounds?” Life had played its cruelest joke on her- when even the slightest part of her was not ready, it struck her with the greatest pain imaginable. She was left alone. She was abandoned. Her dreams were crushed and she was broken into pieces. Will they ever be put together again? Will her life find a new purpose?         He offered his friendship to provide her comfort whenever she was sad, but feelings got stronger. With the passing of time they got so close that everything else in the world mattered no more. Every morning he wished to hear her voice a...

  Me: I need help. Do you think psychosis works? Avni ki friend hai. Avni was asking me casually that I should go for a hypnosis session. I need to discuss this Princy: Why, Yes it helps. Me: I may have to share my pain with her. I need help. Princy: What? What’s happening to you? Me: Emotionally overwhelmed. Not without your permission will I tell her. I know it's a phase. But it's difficult to bear. I urgently need help. Something to help me carry on during this phase. Princy: What will help you? Me: I am not sure. Maybe I need to share my burden. May be I need time to pass and till then hold on Princy: Talking to Avni will help? Me: I need someone to show my dark side. She's the only friend I'm comfortable with. This time I am feeling like I should have friends to share my burden. But I don't easily open up.  Me (After some thought) I don't think it will help. Leave it. I'll come out of it But I need your permission if in my weakest time I can share. I th...

(Dear Princy: You might not read it fully when you see that in this piece of writing you are not adored, you are not worshiped.) Once again it’s 3 am. Once again my heart is disquieted. Once again I am missing her terribly. Once again I am asking myself why I love her so much. Once again telling myself “It’s all in my head.” Once again I am alone. Once again that realizing is hitting me hard- she can never be mine. But I had known it from the start, hadn’t I? Still I fell in love with her! Still I dared to dream of those impossibilities! Still I tried to walk on the path of hurt and misery. It’s not even been more than two days that I experienced that void, that emptiness. Yesterday that void was not there. Today again I have started feeling troubled. Will it be the same? Will I again experience that void? I try to think why did it create a void in me and my inner voice told me that it was because I tried to be happy. If I felt a pain in me, I should have experienced it in full. But I ...

I woke up at 3 am with a troubled heart. One more incident of anxiety and palpitations was being experienced by me. I try to focus on the positive but a void is always there, a void that's killing me slowly. I am facing a new kind of suffering. I think now that I've been lying not only to myself but to her also, that this void in me is because of childhood trauma. But the other part tells me it may not be a lie and indeed childhood experiences are the reason I have this void, this agonizing emptiness. After waking up I felt strong palpitations and my breaths were heavy as if force of life was ebbing away from me putting my sufferings to a permanent end. But it only feels so, the breath of life does not leave; it remains there only to put you through more miseries. I had woken up at the thought of her. I told myself that this love was never meant to go so deep but somehow it did. Beyond our control, it took its deep roots and it's more agonizing. Last night she had told me s...

Humans are greedy. This I've heard so much in my life. Greed is a vice, and I was proud I was away from it. I thought I was different until I discovered this feeling in me. I'm not greedy for money, fame, or luxuries, but I am greedy for love. But not just any kind of love can satisfy that greed; it's only and only her love. So many people love me, but still, I feel incomplete because she's far away, somewhere on the other side of those impossibilities, where she's loved by someone else. My heart sinks in despair at the realization of this. I knew from the start that there's no future, but now I've started to dream impossible dreams to be with her. No doubt her love has given me a new hope, it has put my monsters at bay and she has inspired me to become a better version of me. But still I want more, I want to spend each second with her and each second spent away from her gives me agonizing suffering. No amount of money, luxuries, fame and other things can fi...

It's not in my ability to fathom the mystery of my love for her. At first I don't understand why I love her and following that I don't comprehend why her love has made me a captive.  Had it been some other day, I would have left by now but today I'm here waiting, knowing not how long I'll have to wait. When the wait is over, it'll be just a few hours, but still I'm waiting. Just to exchange a few words before I leave, just to get one more glance, just to adore her beauty one more time, just to hold her hands once more. I'm the surface these seem to be normal emotions, but from the inside they seem to be the most powerful forces I've ever felt. A force that can make me wait. A force that can make me move out of my comfort zone so gladly. A force that can help me fill my void that has been deserted for so many years. A force that helps me keep going even when palpitations disturb me, even when I feel I can bear no more. At dark times it gives me hope a...

Dear Princy Past few days had been so painful for me but finally I was somehow able to make peace with my lot in life. It is difficult to accept that you can never be mine and it will always hurt a bit. But more than that, what was hurting me was your painful silence. I know you hide it because you want to keep me safe, keep me away from hurt. But no matter what I do, a hurt that has to come, will come somehow. I don’t agree with you on limiting our expressions. If you love me, then express it to the fullest. You never know when time runs out, and we fail to express ourselves. Then you will have this regret that things were not said, things were not expressed and that words died in the silence- unspoken, unsaid, hidden under the veil. So, cherish the time that we have with each other. And yes, I too understand that we have to accept our fate, that we can never be together. But at least show as much love as you can, as much care as you can. When you did not speak for a few days, when yo...

  Dear princess, I know I have hurt you beyond measure and this made you sad too. I don't know how I got so much attached in such a short time. It’s so painful to see that I am not the one who occupies your heart and it’s not even right. The love of your life should always be there for you and you both should be happy together. But you also know it can't be helped. Then why do you say you won't talk if I cry? Won't you do the same if you were me? Then please liberate me from the restrictions. Don’t force me to be happy. It gives a feeling of wholeness and purity when I cry. Let me cry my tears. It’s just a phase. It will pass but till then help me, hold me tightly so that I don't fall and instead I cross this quagmire of sadness strongly. When I come on the other end I will shine brighter and stronger and I will have a new story to share. If anything in the world happens for a reason then I believe this also happened for a reason. If the universe allows anything to ...

First thing I did was to cherish the beauty of yesterday- how we hugged and kissed. In the cab, she put her head on my lap and asked me to glide my finger through her hair. The warmth of her love is something I can do throughout my life. It was all beautiful. I am glad we missed the bus and took a cab. After getting ready I went to have breakfast. Amongst the people around I was restlessly looking for her. My heart ached to see her and in her absence I was lonely even when surrounded by people. I was at the breakfast table and the food didn't taste good. Every now and then I was looking in different directions to catch a glimpse of her but she was nowhere to be seen. A pain somewhere arose in me- tomorrow we have to be apart. How would I be quiet within me? Will not my spirit be discomforted? Will not every second pass like it’s an eternal punishment? Even though I did not see her, I saw her later and for the rest of the day she tried her best to be with me. I thought of transferri...

  It's just a few hours away but the wait feels so long and my soul asks why is it taking so long, can't I magically reach there a bit earlier. Even the wait feels like a punishment, which in fact is a reward for me but my mind doesn't understand and still asks why I have to wait. But every good moment comes after a long wait and alas! It doesn't last long or at least it feels so. You do everything in your power to freeze the moment but you are merely a powerless Person just like others you don't have any control over the passing of time. It will pass mercilessly so quickly and you'll keep begging it "please more time, more time". But cruelly it shoves off your plea like your plea is some words of non sense being spoken and don't mean to give an ear to. My heart pounds within me at the thought of this. I'll meet after so many days. How would I feel? I don't know yet but my heart is becoming so restless, faster than other days and I remember...

Kaise mujhmein tu samaye Kaise meri ban jaye Kaise seh paun ab ye duriyan Main teri ho gaiyan Mere aansu aise chalke Tu bhi ro jaye pighal ke Mujhko tu sambhal mahiya Mujhko tu laga gale se Koi kami na ho jeevan mein Aise gale laga le mahiya Fir se sab kuch naya hoga Ishq ye kabhi kam na hoga Bhool jaun main apni kamzoriyan Main teri ho gaiyan  

  Princy you're my life I want you now To stay by my side Princy I want your hug I want your kiss Give it to me now Do not cry It will be alright Just give it some time Do not cry We'll make things right Just you and I No no no do not cry It will be alright Take my hand and let us walk Let's lay our own path. No no no do not cry I know life's been harsh Take my hand and take some rest Into my arms forever now. Put a smile I can't see you cry So please please smile Hug me now Lay your burden aside Just hug me now. You may think I'm full of lust But it was my past You've killed the monster that haunted me And you saved my heart You're mine Till eternity, till the end of time You're mine I am saying it again, I'll say it a thousand times.

कैसा प्रेम है यह कि मन मेरा भरता नहीं हर समय जो तेरे समीप गुजरा वो नजरों से हटता नहीं जाऊं कहीं भी मैं भले मन मेरा लगता नहीं साथ रहने का स्वप्न आंखों से बिछड़ता नहीं कैसा प्रेम है यह कि सांत्वना भी देता है पर पीड़ा भी गंभीर हृदय प्रफ्फुलित भी करता और भरता नयन में नीर।  

वो एक रिश्ता जिससे मैं जी भर के बातें करती हूँ वो एक रिश्ता जिसमें मैं कुछ न शिकायत करती हूँ  वो एक रिश्ता जिसने मुझे हिम्मत रखना सिखाया वो एक रिश्ता जिसने मेरा स्वयं से परिचय कराया वो एक रिश्ता जिसमे कुछ बोलने के पहले सोचना नहीं पड़ता वो एक रिश्ता जिसमें ह्रदय का कष्ट अंदर सोखना नहीं पड़ता वो एक रिश्ता जो सारे रिश्तों से भी आगे हो गया वो एक रिश्ता जिसमें मेरा स्वयं से मिलन हो गया वो एक रिश्ता जो मेरी सारी कमियों को भूल गया वो एक रिश्ता जिसने मुझे तन-मन से कबूल किया वो एक रिश्ता जो दूसरों की तरह मुझे नहीं परखता वो एक रिश्ता जिसमें कभी ना खत्म होने वाला प्रेम है झलकता वो एक रिश्ता जो मेरे सामने नहीं फिर भी हर पल साथ है वो एक रिश्ता जिसमें अनन्त प्रेम है जिसकी नींव निस्वार्थ है वो एक रिश्ता जो समां गया है मन में प्राण की तरह वो एक रिश्ता जो बेवजह ही बन गया जीने की वजह