IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD

I woke up at 3 am with a troubled heart. One more incident of anxiety and palpitations was being experienced by me. I try to focus on the positive but a void is always there, a void that's killing me slowly. I am facing a new kind of suffering. I think now that I've been lying not only to myself but to her also, that this void in me is because of childhood trauma. But the other part tells me it may not be a lie and indeed childhood experiences are the reason I have this void, this agonizing emptiness.

After waking up I felt strong palpitations and my breaths were heavy as if force of life was ebbing away from me putting my sufferings to a permanent end. But it only feels so, the breath of life does not leave; it remains there only to put you through more miseries. I had woken up at the thought of her. I told myself that this love was never meant to go so deep but somehow it did. Beyond our control, it took its deep roots and it's more agonizing.

Last night she had told me she would not be able to talk for five days. Not exactly did she say that but she had said she would be going to Mumbai and I understand what it means. No matter how hard I try, I would lose the authority to call her anytime. She would hardly be able to take out time for me. That's a very long period. I'll almost die. Even when we lose communication for hours, it kills me; losing communication for so many days is far beyond what I can bear.

OH CRUEL LIFE! Why do I have to go through all this? If you only wish to punish me, can’t you punish me in some other way? Please don’t do this to me I beg you. Give me some other kind of punishment but not a punishment which I can't bear. Please have mercy on me. Please, please, please. See I am on my knees humbly begging you to show some mercy. Please do not put me through this. My soul  will be crushed, it will die in agony. It will be afraid to dream any more. It will be afraid to love ever again.

I am crying and still my tears don’t come out fully and it’s more painful not to be able to cry in fullest. I think of the words she had always said ‘Don’t love me this much Sadu. Don’t do this to yourself.’ But I was an utterly stupid person. I thought I could bear this but now when I am actually there, I feel so helpless that I am not able to cope up with it. She was so damn right! I have definitely made a terrible mistake.

I want to somehow comfort myself but I see none. I have no one who could understand my pain and it’s not something I can tell anyone. A thought of taking comfort in the addictions of the past crossed my mind. ‘Yes. That would be easy.’ I said to myself. But I did not feel like doing it. I have no sleeping pill to aid me in keeping these thoughts aside and help me sleep. I can’t connect to my wife because we don’t have that soul connection. Princy is the only way out. I suddenly recalled that some bollywood lines convey feelings similar to this “Tu hi hai zakham toh marham bhi tu hi hai.” which means you are the one giving the wound and you are the healer. I can’t just call her right now. If that was so easy, then my anxiety would hardly be there in the first place.

I thought I had made peace with the fact that she can never be mine. I don't think of the afterlife but for her I wanted to believe in the afterlife because I want to be hopeful for a life where she can be mine. But she just can't be. Even if there’s some other life, she would choose him not me. I will never be loved back by her in the same way I love her and it’s okay. I don’t want to snatch a love for me that belongs to someone else. That would be a completely selfish act. 

Then where’s the way out? Perhaps in unloving. I have doubts about that because I understand the probability of my heart accusing me in future saying “Was this your love? You promised to stay by her side for better or worse and now when the real test came, you have abandoned her!” Not merely this accusation, but also the thought of other alternate possibilities will haunt me. All those memories that we have shared, it’s not easy to let go of them. When we meet in the future, if there’s a future; I will have that guilt feeling that I gave up on our dreams just to protect myself from that hurt. I can’t just let our memories and dreams die. 

I thought of pouring out my pain in the form of writing, so I wrote this. I was not sure if it was going to help but it was the only thing I could have tried. There was no other way of comforting myself. Yes it has comforted me today. Will it comfort me tomorrow also, I have a great doubt. But I am ready whatever good or bad comes my way. I sang a song teri ho gaiyan to pour out my pain in the form of music. Now it’s hardly causing any more pain. I am glad I didn't go back to those methods of relieving myself that had made me prisoner for so many years.

I tell myself it's all in my head, stop thinking about it. But I'm still surrendered to the iniquities of human nature. But there will be a day when my pain will be eased. I'm trying to practice detached attachment. I'm trying to practice selfless love. Help me oh universe. Help me.