I WISH IT DIDN'T END THIS WAY

Dear sweet child of universe

I'm sorry I made a terrible mistake today and life will never be the same from now onwards for I have lost you forever because of my own folly. How would I carry on without you any more? But my presence was becoming troublesome for you and was adding to your daily problems. So with a heavy heart I choose to walk out of your life.

Yes it hurts, it hurts more than I had imagined. And it crushes my soul so much and I cry loudly in pain and ask the universe to give me another chance where I would undo all the mistakes I've made. Alas! Nothing can be done and I have no way out but to lie here alone in the agony and see myself being ruined by your absence. Without you. Life had lost its meaning and I wish I was never born. The place you hold in my heart can never ever belong to anyone else. 

Every now and then I look at the screen of my phone to see if you've called or messaged. I come to WhatsApp to see if you'll message me or not. I see you online and I get many feelings at once- regret that I've spoiled everything, anticipation that you'd message, despair that you're online yet not messaging me, comfort by thinking that you're coming online to see my message. And I would have surely messaged you if it wasn't going to traumatize you but I know you fear that my coming close to you would lead to problems of great dark consequences. So I somehow control myself because I can't see your life being destroyed.

Having come so far, I think of rockstar movie and wonder how my life's become the same.  Just like Jordan, I also composed a song today itself after undergoing this pain. Surely pain is the greatest force for beautiful piece of art. I'm crying and crying so much until I can cry no more. But there's something that helps me keep going a false hope that one day I'll be a well known artist and one day you'll feel all of my feelings for you exactly the same way I do.

I've been watching so many reels on insta and I'm commenting about you on almost every reel.

A terrible feeling stabs my heart again and again that I destroyed the dreams we had dreamt together. I wish you could understand it was just thought and not actions. My whole life had been such a journey where I've kept every thought inside and didn't let it turn into an action when I know it's consequences wouldn't be good. I wish you could see my capability of controlling emotions when I know things will cause irreversible damage. But it's not your fault if you don't trust me. Some of my actions were surely so crazy that would make anyone think that I can't be trusted.

I pray to God to give me a life where I won't make such mistakes and where you'll be truly mine and mine alone. I loved you the way I've not loved anyone else and that's why I want you only. I'll love you crazily till the end of my life. I'll live with this pain. Be happy in your own universe dear sweet child of the universe.

Yours

Stupid Sadu