START OF ENLIGHTENMENT OR INSANITY?

(Dear Princy: You might not read it fully when you see that in this piece of writing you are not adored, you are not worshiped.)

Once again it’s 3 am. Once again my heart is disquieted. Once again I am missing her terribly. Once again I am asking myself why I love her so much. Once again telling myself “It’s all in my head.” Once again I am alone. Once again that realizing is hitting me hard- she can never be mine. But I had known it from the start, hadn’t I? Still I fell in love with her! Still I dared to dream of those impossibilities! Still I tried to walk on the path of hurt and misery.

It’s not even been more than two days that I experienced that void, that emptiness. Yesterday that void was not there. Today again I have started feeling troubled. Will it be the same? Will I again experience that void? I try to think why did it create a void in me and my inner voice told me that it was because I tried to be happy. If I felt a pain in me, I should have experienced it in full. But I chose to run away from it and this feeble yet undied pain caused that void. I ask myself “Is it then wrong to chase happiness? Why can’t I be happy like others?”

Inner voice of me laughs at me and asks “What makes you think that they are truly happy? No one in the world is truly happy. There is both sadness and happiness. That’s the way of life. If there is day, then there is night too. If there is light, there is darkness too. That’s what gives life a purpose.That’s what makes life worth living.”

My worldly self replies to my philosophical self “I don’t agree with you. I feel like I have never been happy in life and I am jealous of those who are always happy. Why can’t I be happy like them?” 

“They may appear happy on the surface but inside they all are hollow and they give up when adversity strikes them. Ask yourself- have you ever run away from your responsibilities? Have you quit your clinic yet? Have you given upon your marriage yet? Have you ever been harsh to Adhinav and passed on your anger to him? You say you don’t want to live and here you are alive and well. Do you know why Sadu? Because you never ran away from the pain that universe put you through? You may not realize but you are light to those who are around you.”

“It’s not true. At times my sadness is written over my face and people often ask me why can't I just be happy. But how to tell them being happy is not in my control.”

“Yes it may be possible that you have to go through much pain than others because your path is different. You are on a path of enlightenment.”

“I don't believe in enlightenment. I believe in Arthur Camus's philosophical idea absurdism- Life has no meaning. Things like purpose of life or enlightenment are mere constructs of feeble human mind to delve in existentialism - to find a reason to carry on.”

“Princy is your reason to carry on. Isn’t she?”

“Yes. My only hope for now.”

“Then you still want to dwell in absurdism?”

“I don’t. But it hurts. Today the dream of her troubled my heart.” That’s where the conversation of two different parts of me ended and I thought of the dream I dreamt today.

She was talking to Anu di and was crying a lot- “He came here and did not even meet me. Why does he show with his actions that he doesn’t want me?”

Anu di replied - “Don’t think like that. He has his own priorities. He came to Karol Bagh for a meeting with his client. He knew he wouldn't be able to give you that much time so he did not tell you.”

Princy in a crying voice said “I am going to Karol Bagh.” and she hung up abruptly and said “Bye di. I’m going there.” And started sobbing.

Seeing her, my heart became sad and I cried out loud “PRINCY!” And woke up in my bed. My wife was right beside me. She asked “What happened? Nightmare?” I nodded yes and slept again. My heart was troubled. Then I woke up and realized it was a dream within a dream. But this dream invited the anxiety that had been kept at bay and this inspired me to write this.

I say again to the universe - WHY OH WHY? WHY CAN SHE NEVER BE MINE? It hurts to see that she can’t love me the way I love her and I understand this. This is the way of life or perhaps this might be my path to enlightenment, if enlightenment is a true thing. If enlightenment is a myth then could it be the start  of insanity?