THE TIME WHEN MY EMOTIONS WERE COMPLICATED

 

Me: You are right. I am so weak. I am hopeless.

(I thought my being weak will make her sad again and again and I did not want to make her sad. So I said this. - “Bye forever.”)

Princy: itni jaldi mujhe paraya kar diya?

Me: Maine tumhe paraya nahi kiya. But tumhe hurt nahi kr sakta. So keeping you away.

(After some thought): Do you really want to bear with me? I'm losing myself. And I don't want you to be hurt. I may say those negative things again and again.

I'm trying to be ok but I'm failing. I can't talk to you. I can't share my pain with you. I don't know what to do

Princy: Why are you behaving weird? Why are you falling again?

Me: I had told you that I could go crazy. I'm getting crazy.

Princy: Why?

Me: I don't know. Insecurity

Princy: What?

Me: Insecurity that I won't be able to talk to you. And this thought kills me. I'm not able to be in my senses.

Princy: Why?

Me: I'm breaking in many pieces.

Princy: We will talk. Who said we won't be able to talk?

Me: How?  It seems difficult to get the opportunity to talk. I've been trying to detach myself but failing. But if i get detached then with whom I'll share my pain.

Princy: We are friends. And will always be attached. Kabhi kabhi hoga we r not able to talk. Just bear those days.

Me: I know it's good that things are working between you two. But that also means I have to go away a bit.

Princy: Never

Me: Ni ho pa ra 😭😭😭

Princy: Arey we will manage. Kaise bhi. Don’t worry

Me: Princy. I don't feel like living a long life. Please inspire me.

Princy: I hate u Sadu.

Me: Yes. I deserve your hatred.

Princy: I have been inspiring you 1000 times. But it’s all a failure. You never understand. Ok I’ll go away

Me: Please Princy. Inspire me to live long. If you go away then how will I live?

Princy: Let me go away and then live how you want to live.

Me: Then i don't want to live at all

Princy: Ruin your life

Me: Yes. Take care. Bye

Princy: Bye

Me: Bye forever. I can only give pain.

(It gave me so much pain when I said those words)

Princy: 😞😪

Me: Please don't cry. I can't see you sad. I'll lift myself again. Help me

Princy: 😪😪😪😪😪

Me: You have to be there.  Otherwise I can't live even for a single day. Help me. Hold me. Cast away my darkness.

Princy: 😪

Me: Pls don't cry

Princy: I'm helpless. I can’t help you anymore.

Me: Right. Then i think it's good bye. Fare you well.

Princy: I'm weak. I tried so hard to help you. But nothing helped.

Me: Hmm

Princy: Pls. Why do you do this? Why did you do this?

Me: I'm ruining my life. I don't want you to see this.

Princy: Why can’t you make your life happy?

Me: I don't know why and how? I tried and failed. Maybe because I'm a failure. Farewell dear friend. And I'm sorry I failed you. You shouldn't talk to me.

Princy: Don’t do this pls. Why? Why are you doing this?

Me: Ok. I'm not going.I'll be with you. I'll rise again.

Princy: You promised me that you will be a fighter. You will take care of me and yourself. Not fair at all. Sadu. You broke me

Me: Yes I'll be a fighter. I'll fight. I've not given up. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. So keeping you away from my own battlefield. I don't want any harm to come to you as a result of the struggle I'm facing.

Me: I'm bruised but not broken. I'll rise again. Take care. We will be together in soul.

Me: You'll help me fight my demons. Won't you? I was proud of myself. And suddenly everything came crashing down. Now I'm building up again. 

By the way I'm feeling dizzy. My head is heavy. I can't even articulate my thoughts well.

Princy: Yes. I will help you fight your demons.

Me: Then I'm not giving up.

Princy (Her reply to I'm feeling dizzy. My head is heavy.): Why? What made you do this when I’m with you?

Me: Let's not discuss

Princy: Why did you do this?

Princy (Her reply to Let's not discuss): I have to. Pls. We will discuss everything on call.

Me: I wanted to go away from you. So I did this.

Princy: Ok. If it helps you, then pls I won’t stop you ever.

Me: I wanted to kill every dream I've dreamt of. But it's also killing me. My decision wasn't balanced.

Princy: No it won’t kill you. May be after sometime it will fade away

Me: I don't think I can. I'm not in my senses. I don't understand my feelings. Just feeling numb.. Did you check my insta

Princy: And if I’ll be with you it will never go away. So it’s better I should go away. So that u don’t become sad again n again.

Me: Then I might ruin myself. Chalo bye. I don't wanna talk

(I was feeling so heavy when I said that.)

Princy: Take care of yourself.

Pleeeeeease

Pleeease

Pleeease

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Me: To be true I wanna talk but I’m suppressing my feelings. I'm hardly able to keep myself intact.

Me (My reply for “Take care of yourself”): I don't want to. I'm sorry for failing you. Be happy in your own world

Princy: Right, I was happy in my own world.

Me: I'm sorry. I'm talking nonsense.

Princy: Have I ever thought of you?

Me: Always.

Princy: No, I was happy in my own world. Never. Bye.

Me: Bye. Again I'm sorry for failing you.

Me (Explaining my message “Be happy in your own world”): A world where I won't be there to trouble you.

Princy: YOU ARE NOT TROUBLING ME

(I felt a bit of joy when she showed her care.)

Me: I'm sorry😭

Princy: DON'T SAY THAT EVER AGAIN. PLS CHEER UP. FOR ME.

Me: I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm dizzy.

Princy: WHY ARE U WASTING YOUR TALENT SADU? So jao. You will feel better after getting up.

Me: I have talents because of my shortcomings.

Princy: And with a new Zeal and enthusiasm start a new day

Me: Please help. I need you like a water to give nutrition to my seed

Princy: Yes

Me: And I'm trying to be happy.

Princy: I'm always there. I will never leave you. Don’t worry. Say whatever u want to. Scold me, hurt me, Hate me. But I’ll always be there.

Me: Yes. These days I might say harsh things or ask you to go away. But you know that I don't mean them.

Princy: Yes Sadu. I know.

Me: If you want to see me happy, please read whatever I've written. And never ask me to delete them. They mean the world to me.

Princy: And I’ll never mind those words

Me: Thank you so much for hearing those unspoken words. Thank you for understanding me. I'm feeling better. Thank you. Not feeling sad anymore. Missing you so much.

Princy: Me too.

(My world becomes full of light and full of hope to hear such words.)

Me (My reply to her message “Me too.”): Means the world to me

AFTER THAT WE HAD ANOTHER ARGUMENT AND SHE SAID “YOU ARE REALLY HOPELESS”

Me: You are right. I am a hopeless case. I'm ruining myself. You should stop talking to me. Bye forever. Don't call

Princy: Yes. I won’t

Me: Thank you for helping me so far. It was such a great waste. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment.

Princy: Thank u

Me: Thank you too. My pleasure.

Princy: Yes.

Me: 😊

AFTER SOME TIME

Me: I am the worst person ever.

Princy: No

Me: I've proved that I can never change myself.  I can never come out of the pit I've put myself in. Chalo bye. I don't know why I'm still chatting with you.

Me: Be happy in a world where you won't have to bear my drama.

Princy: Take care. My heart aches. 

Me: Don't say that. I want to change myself.  But please don't go. Give me inspiration. If I have only hope left, if there's any, then it's in you.  Without you I'll ruin myself.

After our last call I'm not able to behave properly with  people around me.

You already know what I'll do to myself if you're not here. Therefore please bear with me even though I fail a thousand times.

Me (Replying to her message “My heart aches.”): Mine too. That's why I'm going there everyday- to ease the pain, to find an easy way to cope up.

Me (After some thought): Maybe you can help.

Me (Another reply to her message “My heart aches.”): It's all in your mind.  You don't want to be happy. If I'm spoiling myself, then why does it give you a heartache.

Try to be happy. You are a reputed person. You have such a loving husband. A caring family.  2 furry babies.  Financially well. Everyone is your fan.

Princy: Don’t you know why?

Me: I do. I Just want to make you understand my weakness.  Just like you are not able to control this heartache,  in the same manner I can't stop these thoughts. It doesn't mean not trying. If I were to be ignorant, I would have left everything and gone to some drugs or anything that could make me feel OK.

MY THOUGHTS WERE OUT OF MY CONTROL AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I FELT LIKE SAYING GOODBYE.

Me: Sleeping now. Good night. If you want to talk tomorrow onwards, let me know. Otherwise farewell.

Princy: Call?

Me (I don’t know what I felt that time. But seems like I felt some hurt or anger.): No.Let's see tomorrow 

Me: I'm not going to the other room. So I can't. 

Princy: Call

Me: No

Princy: Call

Me: Tomorrow may be

Princy: Sadu

Me: Bye. Good night.

Princy: Bye forever.

Me: Yes. Bye forever.

Princy: Don’t call me

Me: Sure

Princy: Thanks a ton

Me: Welcome

Princy: For everything

Me: 😊

Princy: Don’t text me

Princy: I have caused enough trouble in your life. No more now. Be happy.

(I deleted a few messages.)

Me: Hmm. This is the last text ever.

Princy: Don’t delete. Send me.

Me: It doesn't matter

Princy: Send.

Me: You don't have that authority anymore.You said bye forever 🤣🤣🤣.

(After some time)

Me: So ab sab kuch khatam. Yay.... 👻👻👻. Ab tum mujhse kuch nai karwa sakte. Thank you for showing care. It means a lot. And it will be cherished even when we don't talk. Chalo I won't text now nor would I call

Princy: I’m at the temple. Praying for u

Me: Pray for me.

Princy: Yes. Already.

Me: I'm crying in gratitude

Princy: Without saying

Me: Thank you ever so much

Princy: Bakwas mat karo. You are my strength. Don’t make me weak. Please. Please

Me (I had clicked a pic when I was crying and sent that pic to her): Tears capture nahi ho re.

Princy: Please don’t make me weak

Me: Bilkul nahi. But I'm feeling so tempted. I told my other friend to pray for me PRINCY YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME.

I'll tell you when you have a long time to discuss. I'll tell you why it tempts me. What I feel exactly. But please don't tell me "I don't wanna talk. Why are you so weak? You fail me. You don't respect me.' otherwise i might not be able to share

I might sleep. Keep messaging me to show care.

I SENT HER FOLLOWING SONGS OF MINE:

Iridescent, Waiting for the end & My love

Princy: 😰

Me: Sorry

Princy: It’s ok. Pls take care of yourself.

Me: I need you PRINCY.

Princy: Tum anxiety free raho bas. Aur kuch nahi chahiye mujhe

Me: Trying. And I'll be honest if you can bear this.

Princy: Yes I’m there. Always. Just relax. Don’t overthink.

Me: Hmm. Thank you. I’m ok now. If you can bear with me, I’ll tell you the truth. Otherwise I'll have to hide.

Princy: Ok. Don’t hide. Be cheerful. And keep inspiring me the way u used to.

I NEED YOU.

Me: Seriously?I don't remember how I used to inspire you. I can't promise. But I promise that I'll try to inspire you.

Princy: Yes you inspired me. By your writings, books, songs. Clinic case discussion , time management, making awesome notes & many more

Me: But you were inspired only on the surface. You never did anything that showed me that you are changing in a normal way

Princy: I will.