SORRY FOR NOT TALKING TODAY

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Dear Princy

    I'm sorry for not talking to you today. I'm sorry for deleting all those messages I had sent. I want to tell you that even when I don't talk to you, I want to talk. It crushes my heart and a great burden weighs on my shoulders when I resist myself from talking to you. Why am I doing it, even I don't know.

    I've been checking my WhatsApp every now and then as I have been anticipating a message from you. Every now and then I check my phone half expecting to see if you've called and it adds to my grief to know that there's been no call nor any messages.

    Maybe I did this because I wanted to see if it makes you anxious when I've not messaged you or called you. And will this anxiety make you call me or message me. But so far you seem to be going somewhat smoothly without me. But for me it's entirely different. I find myself in a pit where I will be destroyed. Yes I'll somehow carry on but from inside I'll be dead. I feel no life, no love. From inside I feel like a zombie, apparently living but actually long dead. I think I have made peace with what I've become. I don't want to change back to a normal person. It takes a lot of effort to become normal and I have run out of energy to make those changes. I've surrendered myself to my weakness and my iniquities. If either way I have to die, then let me die like this. All my desires seem to have ended and I'm just lying in this abyss without want anticipation or without any hope. 

    I'm not even sure if I'll ever share this with you or not. And far more than that, I'm not even sure if you'll ever read this, if I ever share. I don't know why I'm doing this even when it's causing me so much pain. Once again I'm feeling palpitations. Once again I thought of taking antidepressants. Not thought actually but decided. But alas! I don't have alprazolam or any other sedative or sleeping pill, not even in my clinic. I don't know why I'm not talking to you when it's becoming so hurtful to bear this.

    It's so scary to not being able to understand your own feelings but trust me I can't even feel scared. I feel nothing but I have that understanding that I should pen down my thoughts, so I'm writing this out of my understanding. Maybe I'll feel alive again and I'll have some desires of you speak to me and share your love and care. 

Yours 

Sadu


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